I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
