community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
