Can i not drive my cunt home
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
