my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
