hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
