I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
