You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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