i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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