she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
