you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
