it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
