4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
