I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize