I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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