My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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