my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
