I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Randomize
