do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
