my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
