Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
