Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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