I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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