: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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