I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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