Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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