How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
