I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
