She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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