mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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