i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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