I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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