It's like God shit irony all over that family
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
not ubering you a puppy
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
