Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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