Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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