I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
