my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
