highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
