No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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