sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
