my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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