stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
