Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
false alarm, still single
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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