Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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