Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
