I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
