What did we do last night that was yellow?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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