He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We talked him into tasing himself.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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