Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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