If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
