so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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