Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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