Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
