i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
