Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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