I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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