you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
