Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do vagina's smell?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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