never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize