I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
