The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
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