3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
did i just pee glitter
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
