He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
