If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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