WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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